What? New York growers beating out every other city in existence when it comes to mustache-related fund raising for the kids? When has that happened? Oh yes, every year, always and forever. Bring it.

It’s not over yet, though. And we still have a way to go to reach our secret target – our reserve price, if you will. So if you have a mustache, time to get it paid. If you don’t, there are plenty of  projects and growers to sponsor over at the New York Grower’s page. Mustache WAGs - why not sponsor some other man’s mustache?

Also winning:

• Simon “Thames Tickler” Durkin, who’s mustache self portrait @ √.2 beat out favorite Pedro “Baby Bearcat” Delgado‘s. Simon accurately represented his mustache’s most obvious characteristic: it’s big.
• Chris “Brains” Maddern, proved himself an oracle of mustache knowledge in the trivia challenge @ √.3 ( that is supposed to be Check Point 3, by the way. Not Root Period 3).
• The Kids, who are the actual recipients of the $100 prizes for the above.

DO:

• Come along
• Compare sweet fully-grown mustaches
• Play some mini-golf on the newly improved course
• Eat some ribs and oysters (they’re good for your mustache)
• Drink 3 picklebacks
• Try to fit into the photobooth with everyone else
• Be wary of girls who seem too enthusiastic about mustaches

It’s Pedro vs. Simon in a no-holds-barred battle of Mustache artistry!  WHO YA GOT?!?!

To which the obvious response is: “It’s for the kids. Sponsor me $20, Grandma”

That may even help to distract from the usual questions about what you’re doing with your life and why you can’t be more like your big brother. Really though, isn’t it time you were settled?

Confession time…

"Parkside Pals Club" (ca. 1915) photo courtesy of Brooklyn Historical Society (v1991.68)

Tonight (Tuesday, November 22) at Big Bar in the East Village, it’s time for Checkpoint #2 and mustache self portraits! Come out at or around 7pm and get your crayON.

World famous bartender Stephen Rak will be serving up a special developed just for us: THE BRONSON (PBR + a shot of RYE for $5)

The event is hosted by yours truly, the Mustache King of New York and I’m also subsidizing the drink special so it can be SO DANGED CHEAP! Let’s get together, share some much needed moral support, and figure out how we’re gonna get ALL these amazing teacher projects funded!

According to our Growchart™, we’re in the churn of Growing, Showing and Knowing™ (whether your ‘stache is awesome).

Growers and supportive friends are well advised to be at  Big Bar, 7th St. and 1st Ave., East Village from 7pm today to practice your beer foam retention.

Checkpoint 1 is where the men are separated from the boys, by which I mean some growers will have mustaches that are not actually visible in the dim light of a dive bar. You know, your body is going through some pretty confusing changes right now and it’s natural that you’ll have questions. Bring them to the checkpoint.

'I know."

The first week of mustache growing can be tough. New growers can be fall victim to introspection and self doubt, even existential crisis. It’s in that spirit that we pose the question: What is a mustache?

Just hair on the top lip? Well obviously not; if it were, every poser in a goatee could be said to have a mustache. Why, I’d have a mustache every time I forgot to shave for a week. No, a mustache is defined by it’s boundaries – by the space around it. If there were no space, there would be no mustache.

And then: any hair on the top lip? No indeed. My 5 year old son has some hair on his top lip, you could hardly call that a mustache. For a mustache to be a mustache, it must be visible and verifiable by other people. Someone else must validate the mustache. A mustache has to reach a certain level of visibility, before that you are merely ‘Growing A Mustache’, you do not ‘Have A Mustache’.

Interestingly, I’d suggest that the top lip part is not vital, you could have something that looked like a mustache anywhere and there is a slim chance that it might be referred to as a mustache. Even hair itself is not vital; a milk mustache is a good example of that.

So, I claim it’s just these two things:

• Mustache-shaped, as defined by a boundary of non-mustache
• Visible and noticeable by a third party